Saturday, January 3, 2004

No need to panic - until March 9

    In case you weren't aware of it, we are in the midst of National New Year's Resolution Week. We are also in the middle of Diet Resolution Week and National Lose Weight/Feel Great Week, not to mention National Hot Tea Month and Oatmeal Month.

    These bits of trivia (Sunday, by the way, is National Trivia Day), come from a list I have of about 800 days, weeks or months dedicated to the commemoration of some of event, object, product or celebration.

    At one time not too long ago, commemorative days, weeks or months were relatively few. Most were designated officially by Congress — such as Independence Day, July 4, or, more recently, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, on Jan. 19. Others came about as the result of traditions — such as Groundhog Day on Feb. 2.

    But the boom in commemorative days, weeks and months came when retailers discovered they could get people to buy stuff for special events, a fact also noticed by the greeting card industry. Thus were born celebrations such as Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc. One of the more recent in this category is Secretary's Day, which has been a boon to the flower and candy industry. Because of political correctness, it is now called Administrative Professionals Day, but don't be fooled by the name. We pity the boss who fails to do something special for his or her secretary on that day (April 21 this year — that's right, get it on your calender and in your PDA right now).

    Now, everybody wants in on the act, from commercial organizations to trade groups to non-profits to the folk on the fringe. That is how the list got to 800, and there are undoubtedly many more not on the list.

    Here are some of the lesser-known observances you might want to add to your calendar:

    This month we'll be celebrating National Clean Off Your Desk Day on the 12th. On the 26th, it's Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day — on that day no one can tell you to quit popping those little air-filled bubbles, no matter how annoying you are. This month also features Hunt for Happiness Week (18-24), Handwriting Analysis Week (19-23) and Creative Frugality Week (25-31). It is also National Be On-Purpose Month, so find a purpose and be on it.

    February brings us National Bird Feeding Month and National Hot Breakfast Month. You certainly don't want to miss Dump Your Significant Jerk Day on the 3rd. A little over a week later you can then celebrate Satisfied Staying Single Day (11th), which will undoubtedly lead you to also want to commemorate I Want Butterscotch Day on the 15th. Should your relationship survive, you might want to note that Feb. 14-21 is National Condom Week, which will take you right into Second Honeymoon Weekend (20-22).

    Prepare to have fun in March. It's International Mirth Month. It's also National Caffeine Awareness Month, which should help you stay perky. You're supposed to Return Borrowed Books the week of March 1-7, and we can all get behind Stop Bad Service Day on the 3rd, Hug A GI Day on the 4th and National Common Courtesy Day on the 17th. If you cleaned off your desk back in January, now it's time to Organize Your Home Office on the 9th, which, coincidentally, is also National Panic Day. Also, beware the Ides of March (15th). If you survive that, the next day is Lips Appreciation Day. You probably didn't know there was an International Goof-Off Day, but there is on the 22nd, which means you've been celebrating it on the wrong day(s) the rest of the year.

    The laughs just keep on coming. April is National Humor Month, National Kite Month and National Soft Pretzel Month, so when somebody tells you to go fly a kite, just smile and buy him or her a pretzel. If you didn't clean off your desk in January, or organize your home office in March, chances are you'll need all of Tackle Your Clutter Month. April 1 is National Fun at Work Day, and you should Check Your Batteries on the 4th. April also offers No Housework Day (7th), Barbershop Quartet Day (11th) and National Write Your Memoirs Day (also the 11th), although if you can write your memoirs in one day you probably need to participate in National TV Turn-Off Week (19-25). Frankly, TV turns me off a lot more than just one week. Finally, for you cat lovers, the 30th is National Hairball Awareness Day.

    We can all appreciate May, which features National Salsa Month and National Moving Month — don't know if there's a connection there. The 1st is National Scrapbook Day and also Save The Rhino Day. The week of May 2-8 is Be Kind To Animals Week, National Bug Week and National Pet Week. The 8th is No Socks Day, so I guess you don't have to be kind to the Clintons' cat. But you do have to be kind on National Sea Monkey Day on the 16th, and during National Etiquette Week (16-22). Close out the month with a spring in your step on National Tap Dance Day (25th) or on the 28th by tuning into Morning Radio Wise Guy Day (ah, if only they'd limit it to one day).

    June is busting out all over with National Fireworks Safety Month. Huh? As Maxwell Smart used to say, "Missed it by that much." If you have a tailor, it's time to appreciate him or her on Tailors Day on the 2nd. If you don't have a tailor, you could splurge on one on the 18th, which is National Splurge Day. For you cat lovers, its Hug Your Cat Day on the 4th. For you dog lovers, it's National Take Your Dog To Work Day on the 25th. For those who are married, the 26th is National Celebrate Your Marriage Day. For those who are single, it's Decide To Be Married Day on the 27th (please refer back to February).

    In July, you can get excited about Anti-Boredom Month, or get delusional for Cell Phone Courtesy Month. Don't forget to mark your calendar for July 1, which is National "I Forgot" Day. There's a special commemoration on the 13th that applies to a lot of Tech students — Embrace Your Geekness Day. And, as it turns out, there is one day out of the summer when you have to resist your urge to smack the next person who brings up a certain cliché, because the 23rd is National "Hot Enough For Ya?" Day.

    In August, it's time to Admit You're Happy Month — come on, don't hold back; we know you can do it. Admitting that you're actually happy could help you during Simplify Your Life Week (1-7), but things aren't so simply on the 6th, which is both National Pamper Yourself Day and National Work Life A Dog Day. It's not on the list, but perhaps August is also Schizophrenia Month. The 7th is National Mustard Day, but July was National Hot Dog Month, which indicates some bad planning on the part of the mustard folks ("Missed it by that much."). Close out the month with Kiss And Make Up Day on the 25th, and More Herbs, Less Salt Day on the 29th.

    Don't plan on going on a diet in September. It's National Biscuit Month, Chicken Month, Honey Month, Mushroom Month, Organic Harvest Month, Potato Month and Rice Month, plus we sneak in National Waffle Week (5-11). But you should be able to save some money on all these foods — it's also National Coupon Month. No doubt the sellers of these foods will be bombarding us with ads — after all, it is Shameless Promotion Month. Wonder if there's any connection between all the food and the fact that September also features Elephant Appreciation Day (22nd). The month also features a special day that is really catching on since Dave Barry adopted is as one of his favorites. It's National Talk Like A Pirate Day, and aye, matey, it's on the 22nd. While this special day is catching on, a lot of them fall by the wayside every year. But fear not, because on the 25th we can remember them all during National One-Hit Wonder Day.

    The food theme tapers off in October, but we still have Go Hog Wild-Eat Country Ham Month, National Chili Month and Popcorn Poppin' Month. We might need an Antacid Month in here someplace. It's also the month to haul out all your snide remarks, because it's National Sarcastic Awareness Month, for those of you who can recognize sarcasm. Oct. 10-16 is National Metric Week. We're sure that will catch on (for those who don't recognize it, that's sarcasm). Interestingly, there's only one day for you to Evaluate Your Life (19th), but seven days for National Save Your Back Week (24-30). That probably why we have Cranky Co-Workers Day on the 27th.

    The food theme really drops off in November, even though it is Thanksgiving. There's no turkey day, week or month — go figure. Instead, it's National Peanut Butter Lover's Month and National Vegan Month. But with all the eating that goes on in the later part of the month, it's a good thing Nov. 2 is Plan Your Epitaph Day. Or that may be related to National Men Make Dinner Day (4th) or Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day (8th), which might be a repeat of the 4th. Feeling a little stressed about the upcoming holidays? Well, the 14th is National American Teddy Bear Day. At first that might seem redundant, but the day is only for the commemoration of American Teddy bears, not those foreign ones — especially not those French ones. You can close out the month by making a bold statement on the 26th, which is National Buy Nothing Day.

    In December, we find a commemoration that makes obvious sense — it's National Tie Month. On the positive side, there's Cookie Cutter Week (1-7), Tell Someone They're Doing A Good Job Week (12-18), Halcyon Days (14-28), and one of my favorites, Bathtub Party Day (5th). There's also Underdog Day (17th), Humbug Day (21st) and, for those who didn't get what they wanted for Christmas, the 26th is National Whiners' Day.

    It looks like we have quite a busy and exciting year ahead of us.

    Dana L. Bowley is the editor of El Defensor Chieftain.

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