How does it go? Nothing is certain in life except death, taxes and the time change?
OK, I’m taking liberties with Ben Franklin’s idiom about the newly adopted U.S. Constitution, and likewise, it looks like our changing of the clocks twice a year will forever be our burden to bear.

Some people say Daylight Saving Time should be done away with, and others say Standard Time should be done away with, which would make Daylight Saving Time, well … Mountain Standard Time.

Maybe we should just split the difference and fall back a half an hour, call it Mountain Saving Daylight Standard Time or something, and let it go at that.
At any rate, this Sunday it’s time to say adios to Mountain Daylight Time and hello to Mountain Darkness Time. The upside is that we get the hour of sleep back that we lost back in March. The downside is that for the next four months or so we’ll be driving home in the dark.

Before I go any further, let me offer some rules for the time change:
– For smartphones, do nothing. It’ll work its magic.
– For your sundial, move one house to the left.
– For your oven, you’ll need a master’s in electrical engineering. Or a hammer.
– For your car radio. Not worth it. Wait four months.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my grumpy system, truth be told, I have no real complaints. Now, all I have to do is figure out what I’ll do with that extra 60 minutes this Sunday. I’ll probably just sleep in and hope to start balancing out my circadian rhythm by the time Monday morning rolls around.

Today, incidentally, is National Plan Your Epitaph Day, based on the belief that “a forgettable gravestone is a fate worse than death.” I guess we’ve all wondered at one time or another what will be on our headstone for all to see in perpetuity. Although I’ve never been into tombstone rubbings, with today also being Día de los Fieles Difuntos, here are a few ideas from famous dearly departed souls:
Andy Warhol: Figment
Hank Williams: I’ll never get out of this world Alive
Edgar Allan Poe: Quoth the raven, ‘Nevermore’
Richie Valens: Come on let’s go
Spike Milligan: I told you I was ill
Robert Frost: I had a lover’s quarrel with the world
Joan Hackett: Go away – I’m asleep

I don’t know if you have ever contemplated what epitaph should be carved into your headstone, but I’m tempted to steal this one from someone named Quniaron Bellthing, who died in 2004: Well this was fun, let’s do it again sometime.

Regardless of that day looming in my (far, far) future, the good news is that Thanksgiving is only three weeks away, but more on that later. There’s also Veteran’s Day this month, Sadie Hawkins Day, Clean Your Refrigerator Day, Black Friday, the Great American Smokeout, and Guy Fawkes Day.

And don’t forget Election Day on Tuesday. Whoever you think would be the best mayor, councilor, trustee, judge, or school boarder, keep in mind that If you don’t vote, you lose the right to complain.

On the other hand, Mark Twain said, “If voting made any difference, they wouldn’t let us do it.”

But anyway, back to the month of Thanksgiving and the pressing question of the day: Do you have enough pumpkin spice to make it through the holidays?
I’ve been looking around and have tried to find all the products that have jumped on the orange gourd bandwagon. This search was inspired by my recent purchase of a pumpkin-flavored latte, and it seems not many products escape the pumpkin spice blitz.
That’s all well and good and to be expected, I suppose, but what about those products that might be taking the pumpkin spice trend too far? I’m talking about pumpkin-spiced vodka, trash bags, nail polish, scented light bulbs, beard balm, breath mints, and even toilet paper, but the pièce de résistance has to be pumpkin-spice DudeWipes.

Gasp.

Believe it or not, I’ve yet to see a pumpkin spice shampoo called “Gee, Your Hair Smells Pumpkiny.”

I’m just wondering if there’ll be pumpkin spice frybread.
But how about maybe, for instance, a pumpkin spice-flavored pumpkin pie?
I’d better hold up here before I go too far and start getting hungry
and forget my resolve to eat light between now and Thanksgiving. Even though I probably will lay on a few extra pounds between now and New Year’s, there’s a part of me that still believes I can get into that old Air Force uniform I took off when I was 24.
But then there’s all that Laffy Taffy left over from last week. Uh-oh.
Looks like I got sidetracked again.

John Larson, El Defensor Chieftain